


Mixed-Up Muppets

by foxtwin



Category: The Muppet Show
Genre: Ensemble Cast, Gen, Mystery, Operas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 21:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13040244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxtwin/pseuds/foxtwin
Summary: The mysterious new owner of the Muppet Theater wants the actors playing roles out of their comfort zone, or face the possibility that the theater will close.





	Mixed-Up Muppets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sageness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sageness/gifts).



“Boss…Boss…” Scooter was out of breath as he reached Kermit at the director’s table. “Boss...Take a look at this. Can you believe it?”

He handed Kermit a letter. Kermit read it, then read it again. Then read it a third time, pursed his lips, then relaxed them in resignation. 

“It’s pretty clear, but I wonder why,” he said. “It doesn’t look like we have any choice, does it?”

“Nope. Not if we want to keep the theater open.”

“Better tell the others,” Kermit said. “I only hope they’ll agree.”

***

“I won’t do it!” Sam Eagle said emphatically. “It’s… out of the question. And…un-American.”

“Actually, Sam,” Kermit interjected. “This will give you some liberty to play a role you otherwise wouldn't. You do like freedom, don't you?”

“Ahem…yes…I suppose…but…”

“Good… It’s settled, then!”

Sam was not convinced, mumbling things to himself as Kermit left the dressing room. 

***

Dr. Teeth and members of the Electric Mayhem listened to Kermit as he read the letter.. 

“Sounds groovy,” Floyd said. Zoot nodded his head. 

“Yeah,” Dr. Teeth added. “Far out…Do those two up in the balcony know? ‘Coz if we’re gonna do it, they gotta do it too! I’ll not have them hecklers heckle unless we can heckle ‘em back with some good old-fashioned monkey see-monkey do.”

Kermit nodded. “Yep. It’s got to be everyone. Even the audience has to come in some kind of costume. And that means Statler and Waldorf will have to do it, too, if they’re going to sit in that box.”

Animal piped up at Kermit’s words, and started pounding his drums, repeating, “Do it, too! Do it, too! Do it, too!”

***

“What are you talking about?” Waldorf said, looking at Kermit with narrowed eyelids. 

“It’s because we’re bald, isn’t it?” Statler moaned. 

“All of us are doing it, including the audience. The letter emphatically says that if the theater is to stay open…”

“Yep.” Waldorf said, looking Statler in the eyes. “It’s because we’re bald. I’m bald, you’re bald, the frog here’s bald…the bear is bald.”

“Fozzie has fur.”

“Maybe. But he’ll have to do it, too, right?”

“Right,” Kermit acknowledged.

The two hecklers looked at each other. “We’re in,” they said in unison. 

“Yep…any chance to see that bear make a fool of himself over and over is good enough for me,” Waldorf said. “Just make sure we have plenty of popcorn.”

***

“What is this I hear about everyone having to change their appearance?” Uncle Deadly asked Kermit. 

“The owner of the theater has sent us a letter to that effect. Yes.”

“And if I refuse? I have a reputation to maintain, you know.”

“The theater closes its doors…I suppose,” Kermit said. 

“You… suppose. How about you find out for certain? Hm?” Uncle Deadly suggested, poking Kermit in the shoulder. “This is the first I have heard of it, and I have _very good hearing_.”

“Yes, uh, OK, Uncle Deadly, sir,” Kermit replied. How was he going to run the show and confirm the letter’s authenticity?

***

“You didn’t!” Miss Piggy said, gasping. 

“Fer sure. And, yes, we totally did,” Janice replied. 

“Indeed!” Mildred Huxtetter said. “Isn’t today Halloween? So...we wrote that the audience must attend the theater in a costume of some sort, and all Muppets on stage must have an act that puts them into a costume, scene, or role they otherwise wouldn’t be allowed to play.” 

“The show is called ‘Mix-it-up’. I came up with the name, fer sure,” Janice said. “’Course Mildred suggested it, but I said, like, sure. And she said, like, OK. And I said, no way. And she said. yes way. And now I can’t wait to try on different clothes and stuff.”

“The costume department is in an uproar!” Mildred added.

“Yeah. Total chaos!” Janice added.

Mildred lowered her glasses. “As for the theater, I have wanted to secure the theater's existence for many years to come. Call it a personal goal of mine. I had to save my pennies. I made the final payment just yesterday. But, girls... We mustn’t let anyone else know our little secret.”

Janice motioned that her mouth was zipped shut. Miss Piggy raised her right hand, as if taking an oath. 

Mildred’s smile was wide as she set her glasses back into place. 

Miss Piggy grinned and stifled a chuckle. “I hope this works.”

***

“How do I look?” Kermit asked.

“Like a frog who can’t decide what to wear,” Fozzie said. “Who did you want to dress as?”

“Well...Sherlock Holmes, complete with a cape. But the costume is on Sesame Street, and that’s too far to go before show time.”

“Aha!” Fozzie snapped his fingers. “You could be...wait for it...the Phantom of the Opera. He has a cape and everything. And it is Halloween, you know.”

“No good, Fozzie.”

“Well, then...How about dressing as Hercules Parrot.”

“Don’t you mean, Hercule Poirot?” 

“No...I mean you could have a beak...and...and muscles...and eat crackers…and repeat what others say as you solve your cases.”

“No, Fozzie. That’s just not me.”

Fozzie looked at Kermit for a long moment, considering.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, whisking out of Kermit’s dressing room and returning with a curly gray wig on his head.

“What is that on your head?” Kermit asked. 

“Your hair,” Fozzie said, moving the wig from his head onto Kermit’s. It was a perfect fit. 

Kermit stood in front of his mirror with a short curly bob of silvered hair. 

“And just who am I supposed to be?” Kermit asked. 

“Miss Marple, of course.” Fozzie then produced a pair of round spectacles, which he placed on the bridge of Kermit’s nose. “There. Perfect.”

A shawl and cane were soon secured from the prop room, making Kermit’s outfit complete. 

***

Preparations for the Muppet Show were frenzied as last minute changes to script and costumes became necessary. Players inspected each other’s costumes and traded advice with one another. 

Kermit sighed heavily again. It was ten minutes to curtain, and he wasn’t sure that the actors were taking the letter seriously. He was not going to let anything get in the way of saving the theater. Nothing. When he dared to look at himself in the mirror, he wasn’t quite convinced he had done the letter any justice. 

Making his way to the stage, he noticed everyone in place for the opening, but all looking like...well...not themselves. That was…good? 

Fozzie came up wearing a light blue flower hat with a matching blue suit with a Union Jack on the lapel. He held a golden scepter in his hand. “Do you like it?” he asked Kermit.

“Um…It’s different. But you seem to have the curves in all the wrong places. Who are you supposed to be, anyway?”

“The Queen of…Comedy!” Fozzie said. “I tried several other combinations, but they didn’t seem to work.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I tried being the Sultan of Swat, but the turban kept falling off my head everytime I tried to hit a fly,” Fozzie reasoned. “Then I tried being the King of Rock, but the role was not well-rounded. I even tried to be one of the Dukes of Hazzard, except it was too dangerous.”

***

Showtime had come. Kermit crossed his fingers as he saw himself – or rather, Janice covered in green makeup and a green frog suit – slowly saunter onto the stage to greet the audience. It was usually up to him to do so, but coming out dressed as Miss Marple would not have been proper, so Janice it would have to be. 

“Like, OK, everybody. Like, Welcome to the Muppet Show! Tonight is Halloween. Everything is, like, mixed up...like a tie-dye shirt. So, like, let’s go!”

The curtain opened to a dozen large chickens all dressed in chef outfits and tall chef hats. Swedish Chef, now dressed in an oversized chicken costume complete with his usual floppy chef’s hat, was tied up on the counter with large ropes, and looked as if he had been knocked unconscious.

The largest Chicken Chef hovered over the tied-up Swedish Chicken. "Bwaak Bwaak Bwak Bwaak Buk Bwaak BWAAAAK!," Chicken Chef said, beginning in a low tone and ending in a high-pitched exclamation, raising a cleaver in the air. 

Subtitles projected above the Chickens were first in Chicken Scratch, then in Chinese, then in Hindi, then in Russian, then in Japanese, and then (finally) in English. Translation: "How to make Chef-and-Noodle Soup."

During the Chef Chicken’s introduction, Swedish Chicken somehow regained consciousness on the counter. Moments before the sharp kitchen tool fell, he tried to get out of his bonds. The main thrust of the cleaver missed the Chef by inches, but severed one of the cords tying him to the counter. 

Seeing the Swedish Chicken awaken, the other chickens scurried about the stage's kitchen set grabbing whatever they could find to both attack – and defend: rolling pins, skewers, pots, pans, ladles, sporks, noodle boxes, flour sacks, stirring spoons, and chopsticks. Chaos and feathers erupted as Swedish Chicken sat bolt upright on the counter.

“Free-doom!” Swedish Chicken announced, his hands emerging from the bonds. “Free-doom froom dee Hooner!”

Once freed, the Swedish Chicken managed to pull out his own cleaver and chase the dozen or so Chicken Chefs offstage. Before he left the stage, however, Swedish Chicken released his cleaver, letting it fly. The fleeing Chef Chickens still on stage and in the projectile’s path attempted to dodge the airborne weapon in a flurry of feathers and flour and uncooked fettuccine noodles that, like the cleaver, went sailing into the air. Flour was everywhere. Noodles were haphazardly strewn across the stage, and Swedish Chicken was covered from head to toe. The cleaver, which had lodged into the far wall of the stage’s set, was retrieved as the curtain closed. 

==

As Beauregard moved off stage with the flour and noodle debris, the stage was reset to make it look like the deck of a pirate ship in the middle of an ocean, complete with a skull and crossbones flag flying from the ship's crows nest. 

Uncle Deadly, Sam Eagle, Sweetums, Gonzo and Rizzo came from opposite sides of the stage wearing pirate costumes and holding symphonic band instruments. A full drum set, with the words “Deadly Grateful” on a very large bass drum, was set up on a platform at center stage in front of the main mast. 

Each performer wore a different wig. Rizzo had long, loose-flowing blonde hair and played clarinet, Sam Eagle had an orange punk-style shock top and played a string bass, Sweetums played trombone and had opted for golden Tyrolean locks, Uncle Deadly played violin and wore a braided black beard with firecrackers, and Gonzo went to the drums with a rainbow-colored fright wig.

After an introduction from Janice that suggested the band's song was pirated version of the original, Sam Eagle, near stage right, began the musical set with a stuffily enunciated poetic chant: “She asks me why I’m just a hairy guy.” 

Gonzo’s scratchy voice continued the chant from his place at the drum set: “I’m hairy noon and night, hair that’s a fright.” 

Sweetums, holding a trombone toward stage left, sang operatically: “I’m hairy high…and low…don’t ask me why…” 

And everyone added an emphatic piratical shout: “Don’t know!”

“It’s not for lack of cheese or SPAM,” Rizzo chanted from his place in the crows nest, holding up some Swiss cheese and a can of SPAM. 

“And we’re not Electric May-HEM!!” they all sang discordantly. 

“That’s for sure!” shouted Waldorf from the balcony, raising a shield in the air as Statler shoveled popcorn into his mouth.

Pausing the song and looking up, the band saw Statler and Waldorf dressed, respectively, as Isolde and Brunnhilde. Each had long tresses and their respectively identifiable headpieces. 

The band presently continued their song in a speedier tempo, pointing at Waldorf and Statler --- then at each other: “They have heads of hair, long beautiful hair…” 

The song went on from there, describing just about every way hair could be cut, managed, blow-dried, styled, layered, and manipulated. 

As the band got into the groove of the song – as stilted as it sometimes seemed to the audience, which began to compare its own headcoverings in line with the lyrics – a loud roar was heard from off stage. 

Staying true to form, however, the band continued despite the roars. Even Sweetums tried to play the trombone more loudly to blend with the offstage noises. 

As the band came to the second chorus, Animal broke from his backstage restraints shout-singing: “Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, HairHairHair!” 

Animal had somehow been restrained and dressed as a charming, well-groomed London schoolboy in waistcoat and knickers. The band was stunned to a momentary silence. 

Animal jumped into the place where Gonzo had taken control of the drums, and all but knocked the crook-nosed Muppet off the drummer’s platform and into the large bass drum. Gonzo flopped to the ground.

Grabbing the drum sticks, Animal began pounding away shouting “Hair! Hair! Hair! Hair!” As he did so, Gonzo slowly got up and tried to wrest the drum sticks aaway from Animal, who would have none of it. The other members of the band attempted to play with him, even as Gonzo was sent flying first right then left. With each successive mantra of “HairHairHair,” the charming school-boy outfit Animal had donned was undone piece by piece, to the horror and dismay of Sam Eagle who sought (unsuccessfully) to retrieve and re-clothe the excitable drummer. Feathers flew, along with articles of clothing.

By the end of the number, Animal’s schoolboy outfit was strewn everywhere, Gonzo was violently ricocheted off of the bass drum into Statler and Waldorf’s balcony seats, Uncle Deadly's fireworks were exploding, Sam Eagle was bald (yet again), and poor Sweetums' trombone was bent into an unrecognizably mangled mess. 

“Hooray!” shouted Statler.

"Bravo!” shouted Waldorf. 

“Such beauty!” Statler cried.

“Such grace!” 

“Hair, Hair!” 

“Don’t you mean, Hear, Hear?” Waldorf asked.

“What did you say? My hearing aid battery went dead.”

“Mine, too!” 

“Encore! Encore!” they both said, grabbing each other in an embrace. 

***

While music and mayhem were happening on stage, Kermit decided to do some sleuthing….and thinking.

Kermit had kept the letter in his pocket, and pulled it out once again, reading it for now the tenth or eleventh time. The letter had come from the theater’s new owner. But why would the new owner threaten to close the establishment he or she had just purchased? It didn’t make much sense. And there was no signature or name. Could it be a hoax? 

Something about reading the letter over and over had made Kermit doubt it was from someone from the outside. The letter’s author knew too much about the theater’s day-to-day operations, which meant it had to be one of the Muppets. But which one?

He knew most all of the Muppets fairly well, had worked with all of them at one point or another. But some were transients – who came and went depending on the season or the year. Some had left on bad terms only to beg for another chance. Some had been so popular one season, then faded over time. 

So, who would want to close down the theater? None of the Muppets seemed to react negatively to the suggestions made in the letter, except for Sam and Statler and Waldorf. None of them could ever really stand the acting or shenanigans on the stage. But they came back for every show. Sam always looked for his star moment. Statler and Waldorf loved to heckle – and all three had raised their proverbial eyebrows at the suggestion of change. Was it a ruse? Surely if any of the three had bought the theater, they would not have made such a ridiculous show of incredulity…would they?

And then there was Miss Piggy – a regular cast member. She’d stayed in her dressing room almost all evening long. Kermit hadn’t seen her emerge since telling her about the note. Like others of the cast, she seemed to take it in stride. But usually she was flamboyant and eager to show off her costume changes. Tonight, however, her presence had been muted. Why?

Kermit ran through the cast list in his mind, and continued to mull the possibilities. Then went to his director’s desk and looked through the cast biographies for clues. There had to be an explanation

*** 

The stage was set for the finale -- an operatic number by the Three Tenors. 

Miss Piggy, Mildred, and Beaker begged Kermit for the opportunity to sing opera together, and now was their chance. Kermit gave Beauregard the requirements for their set design. But Kermit was shocked to find that once again, Beauregard had misinterpreted them. Instead of oboes, there were holiday wreaths with bows on them. Instead of clown masks, there were maps and globes of various sizes. Instead of vibraphones, rotary-style telephones were placed haphazardly and would vibrate or jump at odd intervals. And instead of violins, beautiful pink and purple violets created a picturesque -- if ill-matching -- proscenium. 

Miss Piggy, Mildred and Beaker had chosen, for the occasion, to dress as their favorite opera stars. Mildred was Placido Domingo. Miss Piggy was Luciano Pavarotti, and Beaker was Jose Carreras. Each performer was dressed in a matching tuxedo and emerged on a lift from beneath the stage. 

As the performers emerged, the shock of seeing the discombobulated set forced Mildred to try and keep her composure. Miss Piggy was visibly aghast, and fainted. Beaker gave a squeal that hit a high C-sharp, then ran off-stage, frightened. This left Mildred alone on stage.

The orchestra, dressed as clowns, began playing the opening notes to “Vesti la giubba” – the famous aria from the opera I Pagliacci. The tympani and somber notes were enough to send Mildred’s voice beautifully reverberating through the hall. The audience was stunned into silence as Mildred’s voice rang in high, passionate tones. Even Isolde and Brunnhilde dropped their jaws (and false teeth). 

As Mildred came to the climax of her aria, tears began rolling down her cheeks. 

***

Kermit had been sitting in the wings, poring over biographies and notes he had made. As Mildred’s aria began, he sang the English lyrics quietly along with Mildred’s impeccable Italian: “Put on your costume, powder your face…and if the harlequin steals your Columbina, laugh, clown…” 

Something clicked in Kermit that moment. Mildred was one of those Muppets that came and went through the years. She had always wanted to sing on the show, but had always been given some excuse or another. Kermit sprang from his director’s desk and raced onto the stage, his Miss Marple shawl nearly falling off his shoulders. 

As the final notes of the aria played, Mildred collapsed on stage – in character to the last – and the curtain was drawn closed to thunderous applause and the loud sonorous wailing of two sobbing hecklers. 

***

Mildred and Janice came clean in the end as Kermit made his case. 

Kermit had recalled how Mildred Huxtetter had once been an opera star at the Met and had been a university professor before changing careers to join the Muppet Theater. 

“Now, after saving every penny of her salary,” Kermit said, “she could be the proud new owner of the Muppet Theater. And being the new owner, she saw her chance to be in the spotlight again in a grand way. She must have cooked up a scheme with Miss Piggy to get her on stage. But it was the choice of song,” Kermit said, “that made me realize the aria was really about her career. She was always playing the parts I gave her, but I could tell she was rarely happy. I unfortunately kept her from her one true love: musical theater. I never asked her to sing, because she was a really good dancer.”

Kermit approached Mildred, his head bowed. “Mildred, I put you in an awkward position. Please forgive me. You are a wonderful singer, and a beautiful person inside and out.”

“Of course I forgive you, Kermit.” Mildred said. “I’m sorry that I had to be so secretive.”

Sam Eagle cleared his throat. “You and I, Mildred, now have something in common. You made me into a rebellious rock-and-roll pirate in what was decidedly the most…interesting…musical number of my life, and made yourself an opera star in what was decidedly the most…sensitive and passionate musical number of yours.” 

In that moment, Sam seemed overcome and wrapped his huge eagle feathers tightly around Mildred’s lithe frame. She reciprocated, with the cast and crew of the Muppet Show, one by one, joining in what ended up being a massive group hug. 

Mildred’s operatic moment had been loved by the audience, and she was now even more grateful that her Muppet friends really were her friends. The theater would certainly stay open. And maybe…if they were still amenable…she might repeat her operatic performance in years to come.


End file.
